Thursday, April 29, 2010

Where are my roots?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being a mother. But where are my roots? My mother committed suicide when I was 12 years old and my grandmother raised me but she was not my mother and though I knew she loved me, she had not grown knowing how to show or communicate love very well.

I can remember as a child knowing that I loved babies and I couldn't wait to be a mom. I have wanted children of my own for forever. Now I have 3 children and look forward to when we can announce a fourth.

My mothering skills have been based on what I wish I had when I was growing up and didn't, coupled with my natural instincts and great love I have for each individual child in my home. I sometimes take a step back and make sure that the path I am on is the path I should be on.

When Hannah was a baby she stopped growing well. I was told how desperately she needed calories by her Dr.'s. She wouldn't eat. I was told to give her high calorie foods and not worry about what kind of foods they were for now because all that mattered was something in her belly.

My path was taken from me and I was given a new path. A path I did not want to tread on. But such is life and we make do with what we are given. I have come a long way in my personal journey. Now I feel ready to reclaim the mothering path I wish to be on.

This must be done in small steps but the first one I can't wait to tackle is eating. Food, glorious food. I grew up on fattening type meals and not much thought to healthy living even though we ate vegetables and fruits it was paired with fried chicken, cheesy casseroles, and plenty of buttered garlic bread. Food equals love, right? Yes, it can. I love my children and so I try my best to feed them and give them full tummys and happy hearts. But what to do when the way you may have changed past patterns was taken from your control? I would not have raised my children on full calorie pudding, cream cheese chicken, french fries and chicken nuggets, hersey kisses, and packaged snacks and cookies. However, I would have treated them every now and then but kept things more basic and healthy with choices of good food to eat or not eat. Wouldn't I have????

The funny thing is, would I really have known enough to do that based on how I was raised and all that I knew? I would have made meals I knew how to and given food the way I knew how to. I suppose the painful truth of the matter is that I never knew how to feed my children because I wasn't fed well. Yes there was food, but sometimes there wasn't food. Yes there was dinner, but there wasn't snacks. Often times we had half of the whole picture. I did know that when Hannah was born I fed her based on her cues. If she was hungry she got to eat. But her cues were off because she didn't feel hunger like she should have and I became desparate from what the Dr.'s were telling me and then our lives were patterned. Patterned to behaviors not condusive to good and healthy eating habits. Behaviors which actually caused setbacks in our journey. Behaviors that were normal for the circumstances but that could have had different outcomes had I known back then what I know now.

I can't wait to change things and to regain control of my path. I am what I have always wanted to be and I am learning to trust myself in that. I know I am a good mother and I know my children better than anyone else. Even if I make mistakes, I can correct them and we can be on the right path. My path. Where are my roots?
They are where I plant them. I am who I make myself. And sometimes we have to take what we were given and make something new. The Lord says, "Behold, I make all things new." Rev 21:5 My past does not define me and I give myself permission to be set free and made new.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Beautiful Boy

I love my son so much!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Gorgeous girl

I love my beautiful baby!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Annoying tidbits

Is it weird that I really find phrases like LIVE LAUGH LOVE or DANCE LIKE NO ONES WATCHING or LOVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN annoying as all get out?

I mean sheesh! It's so overplayed. It's like the colors blue and brown together. So commercial. The minute I see an email with something like that on's deleted without being read. No offense to others who think it's cute or fun. But I think it's dumb.

LOL Thanks for reading my rant...until next time.

Emergency Essentials Food Storage Analyzer

What a nifty tool! Do you ever wonder where you stand regarding your food storage? How much do I need? How much do I have? How can I keep track of it all? Well, I just took a look at the Food Storage Analyzer.

The instructions are easy to follow and each tab is easy to navigate. I simply created my login and signed on. Then I was able to enter my family members and their ages. After I hit calculate I was told how many calories each person would need given their age and sex. That is awesome to know!
Then I clicked on the next tab header and entered what I already had in sotrage. After I hit calculate I was told how many days my food storage would last me based on the people I wanted to feed. So easy!!! Don't worry there are ways to enter food from the grocery store and food you would like to enter on your own!!!! Now everything you have in your food storage can be easily counted.
Put in items you want and save for future purchasing on another tab. This makes it so easy to keep track! When you buy more simply update what you currently have or if you use some you can update what is left.
I can't tell you how much I love this feature on emergency preparedness. It's a dream when you are a novice at getting a food storage together!!!

Check it out and tell me what you think!

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I have been soul searching lately and really trying my best to grow personally. I have made some realizations that I think I would like to share. I have a deep love and strong testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that I am a child of God and that He lives. I know that there is a wonderful plan of salvation that will lead me back home to my Heavenly Father. I pray and read the scriptures and attend my church meetings so that I may lead and guide my family in the ways of the Lord. This is very important to me especially in the world we live in today. So what is the problem? I have realized that I do not fully trust the Lord with my life. How can that be? How does that make sense? Well, I have endured many trials in my young life and many of them have brought me to my knees in prayer. But I have been living in fear that something terrible will happen in my life and not trusting my Father in Heaven to take care of me if something does happen. I have learned so much in these past 5 years since Hannah was born but most of my growth has happened in the last 5 months. We were threatened with CPS involvement regarding Hannah's well being and ever since then I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Anger, fear, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety, despair, and did I mention fear? It was my worst nightmare coming true. Josh and I have really come together working hard on our family to strengthen ourselves and our children in many ways. Hannah is doing much better and Josh and I feel we have some control in our medical journey. Again, I did not ask my Heavenly Father for mercy. I relied on only myself to get us through this and I tell you it was so lonely. I have realized that I have a tendency to separate myself more from my Heavenly Father in hard times. I suppose it is opposite of most others. Why do I do this over and over? I have a strong faith and it is unshakable, but it is not perfect. I can only perfect myself through Christ and in doing so I must be closer to Him, more like Him, it is a natural progression if striving to have a perfect faith in Him. I know He has never moved from me and it is only myself who has turned away, holding my breath until the storm passes with hope that I can stand on my own two feet once again. What I did not realize is the compassion and love my Savior was giving me the whole time. Just because I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father does not mean that I will be tested more than I can handle. I have been humbled and know that I have so much to learn. I have been denying myself blessings and that hurts the most. I am so grateful to know that I have en eternal family through Temple marriage. I am so excited to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and feel the Spirit with my husband by my side. I always thought and felt I had something to prove because of where I came from.....but I finally realized that I am loveable just the way I am and I don't need to do things all on my own...I can ask for help from others....I can ask for help from the Lord and I will receive...I am not perfect...but I am worthy and I am loved. Now I am stronger and I have more to give. For this I am so grateful!

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Josh has been working hard on framing our basement! I'm so excited for it to get done and be livable space!! Here are some pictures of the storage room framed up. Josh will build two other walls of shelves in the room and then the middle part will be an office and the front where all the toys are will be a family room. I'll keep updating as more progress is made!

Also, the carpet you see are remnant pieces. Not bad to have something to play on! The lumber is just part of it. We have nearly 100 more upstairs in the garage.