Faith

I have been soul searching lately and really trying my best to grow personally. I have made some realizations that I think I would like to share. I have a deep love and strong testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that I am a child of God and that He lives. I know that there is a wonderful plan of salvation that will lead me back home to my Heavenly Father. I pray and read the scriptures and attend my church meetings so that I may lead and guide my family in the ways of the Lord. This is very important to me especially in the world we live in today. So what is the problem? I have realized that I do not fully trust the Lord with my life. How can that be? How does that make sense? Well, I have endured many trials in my young life and many of them have brought me to my knees in prayer. But I have been living in fear that something terrible will happen in my life and not trusting my Father in Heaven to take care of me if something does happen. I have learned so much in these past 5 years since Hannah was born but most of my growth has happened in the last 5 months. We were threatened with CPS involvement regarding Hannah's well being and ever since then I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Anger, fear, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety, despair, and did I mention fear? It was my worst nightmare coming true. Josh and I have really come together working hard on our family to strengthen ourselves and our children in many ways. Hannah is doing much better and Josh and I feel we have some control in our medical journey. Again, I did not ask my Heavenly Father for mercy. I relied on only myself to get us through this and I tell you it was so lonely. I have realized that I have a tendency to separate myself more from my Heavenly Father in hard times. I suppose it is opposite of most others. Why do I do this over and over? I have a strong faith and it is unshakable, but it is not perfect. I can only perfect myself through Christ and in doing so I must be closer to Him, more like Him, it is a natural progression if striving to have a perfect faith in Him. I know He has never moved from me and it is only myself who has turned away, holding my breath until the storm passes with hope that I can stand on my own two feet once again. What I did not realize is the compassion and love my Savior was giving me the whole time. Just because I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father does not mean that I will be tested more than I can handle. I have been humbled and know that I have so much to learn. I have been denying myself blessings and that hurts the most. I am so grateful to know that I have en eternal family through Temple marriage. I am so excited to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and feel the Spirit with my husband by my side. I always thought and felt I had something to prove because of where I came from.....but I finally realized that I am loveable just the way I am and I don't need to do things all on my own...I can ask for help from others....I can ask for help from the Lord and I will receive...I am not perfect...but I am worthy and I am loved. Now I am stronger and I have more to give. For this I am so grateful!