Where are my roots?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being a mother. But where are my roots? My mother committed suicide when I was 12 years old and my grandmother raised me but she was not my mother and though I knew she loved me, she had not grown knowing how to show or communicate love very well.

I can remember as a child knowing that I loved babies and I couldn't wait to be a mom. I have wanted children of my own for forever. Now I have 3 children and look forward to when we can announce a fourth.

My mothering skills have been based on what I wish I had when I was growing up and didn't, coupled with my natural instincts and great love I have for each individual child in my home. I sometimes take a step back and make sure that the path I am on is the path I should be on.

When Hannah was a baby she stopped growing well. I was told how desperately she needed calories by her Dr.'s. She wouldn't eat. I was told to give her high calorie foods and not worry about what kind of foods they were for now because all that mattered was something in her belly.

My path was taken from me and I was given a new path. A path I did not want to tread on. But such is life and we make do with what we are given. I have come a long way in my personal journey. Now I feel ready to reclaim the mothering path I wish to be on.

This must be done in small steps but the first one I can't wait to tackle is eating. Food, glorious food. I grew up on fattening type meals and not much thought to healthy living even though we ate vegetables and fruits it was paired with fried chicken, cheesy casseroles, and plenty of buttered garlic bread. Food equals love, right? Yes, it can. I love my children and so I try my best to feed them and give them full tummys and happy hearts. But what to do when the way you may have changed past patterns was taken from your control? I would not have raised my children on full calorie pudding, cream cheese chicken, french fries and chicken nuggets, hersey kisses, and packaged snacks and cookies. However, I would have treated them every now and then but kept things more basic and healthy with choices of good food to eat or not eat. Wouldn't I have????

The funny thing is, would I really have known enough to do that based on how I was raised and all that I knew? I would have made meals I knew how to and given food the way I knew how to. I suppose the painful truth of the matter is that I never knew how to feed my children because I wasn't fed well. Yes there was food, but sometimes there wasn't food. Yes there was dinner, but there wasn't snacks. Often times we had half of the whole picture. I did know that when Hannah was born I fed her based on her cues. If she was hungry she got to eat. But her cues were off because she didn't feel hunger like she should have and I became desparate from what the Dr.'s were telling me and then our lives were patterned. Patterned to behaviors not condusive to good and healthy eating habits. Behaviors which actually caused setbacks in our journey. Behaviors that were normal for the circumstances but that could have had different outcomes had I known back then what I know now.

I can't wait to change things and to regain control of my path. I am what I have always wanted to be and I am learning to trust myself in that. I know I am a good mother and I know my children better than anyone else. Even if I make mistakes, I can correct them and we can be on the right path. My path. Where are my roots?
They are where I plant them. I am who I make myself. And sometimes we have to take what we were given and make something new. The Lord says, "Behold, I make all things new." Rev 21:5 My past does not define me and I give myself permission to be set free and made new.